dear chris,
i don't know what to say or how to say it, so i will write instead. it's always easier this way. how do i feel? i feel like, "wow, this is really really shitty. so this is how it feels to be cheated on. hmmm.' except you didn't cheat on me, because you aren't actually my boyfriend. i should have known what that meant, your unwillingness to say anything more concrete than ' i love you'. and that mainly over text.
i feel like the stupidest person in the world. for believing you when you said you loved me, that you wanted me around, that i'm the most amazing girl you've ever met. i have a feeling that when a man thinks he's met the greatest girl in the world, he doesn't go out and fool around with some older woman friend he rejected the month before. i have a feeling that even if he did fool around with mrs. robinson, he wouldn't then tell the most amazing girl in the world about it with a nonchalance bordering on sociopathy. i could be wrong though, clearly i suck at the whole having feelings thing.
it really sucks that i'm only psychic for bad things. i spent the whole day telling my sister that the reason you never called was that you slept with your coworker and were avoiding me. ok, so, not the coworker this time, but still- someone who is distinctly Not Me. it occurred to me this morning, in a flash of insight, and instantly made me uneasy. my sisters called me paranoid and said you would never do a thing like that, not that they know you at all, except apocryphally, through me. i pushed it aside, mostly, though i worried about it enough that i brought it up a thousand times, half-jokingly.
to think that you not only slept with someone else, you lay in bed with her all morning, into the afternoon, while i fought off the urge to call you or message you, not because i had anything of importance to say but because just being in contact with you makes me happy. ow. you spent the night kissing her, holding her, not thinking about me at all, while i text you to see what was up, missing you, waiting for your reply. did you laugh when you saw my pathetic little message? did she look over your shoulder in her bed and roll her eyes at it? i thought i wouldn't care about cheating, when it happened. i still suspect it would have been better if you drunkenly fucked your assistant. this, this is something else entirely. you feel "caught between the two of us", she is unsure of how to proceed because you are not religious. the fact that you have to think about it- and that she gets a say- says it all.
i should have listened to you when you said you were a bad person. i should have listened when you worried that you would hurt my feelings. i should have known better, period. love. three hundred miles away. ' i just want you around all the time.' hey i know! let's move in together! what a great idea! to think i thrilled at the sweet things you said, that i read them over and over again like a lovestruck schoolgirl and showed them to friends and strangers alike. how could i be so incredibly fucking stupid, again? and again and again. a man who is constantly breaking up with you, even though you're not together, even though he follows it up with an i love you, is not a man who cares about you or wants to be with you.
and i know... you're so sorry. so sorry that you can't say it, you have to message it. so sorry that you go into detail about how you 'didn't sleep AT ALL last night' and you're 'so exhausted from not sleeping last night and getting home at four p.m. today' because you were so busy hooking up all night and morning. and how you thought i should know, 'for whatever reason.' not because we're involved in some vague way. not because you love me and i love you and when two people love each other and one of them sleeps with someone else and then doesn't know how he feels, it's kind of a big fucking deal. you're not sorry and you don't care about me and i know that because you did what you did. and hey, i see the appeal, you know. totally. she's there, i'm not. what's love when you can get some action instead, right? i'd thought you incapable of doing something like that, you who blush and stall when i say something sexual, you who don't see the point of sex without feelings. unless you love her too and just didn't know it. wouldn't that be wacky and amazing!
i can only imagine how it would have gone if the situation were reversed. the shouting, the crying, the crushing disappointment and guilt and misery. i can only imagine because i never would have done anything like that because i love you and because i love you i don't do things to cause you pain. though i might be overestimating myself here, you did say you weren't afraid i'd hurt you. someone you don't love can't hurt you, which is how i understood it, but brushed it aside as you being stupid and saying the wrong thing unintentionally. hah.
i can't even bring myself to shout or curse, in part because i don't have the right to, and in part because i'm more full of pain than of anger. 'it's so weird.' damn right it's fucking weird. i woke up this morning aching to see you, to talk to you, and i'm going to sleep now wondering if i'll ever be able to talk to you again, if i'll ever want to. you woke up this morning naked, holding Not-Me, feeling so little guilt or remorse that you kept on doing that for the larger part of the day. but don't worry. you won't have to deal with any of that shit from me. however long it takes me to stop being a jellyfish, you won't have to know about it. i'm a grown up and i take full responsibility for my own feelings. it was my own fault i got so caught up and carried away, whatever you said. i should have known better than to believe. i hope you and brenda are very, very happy together, i know i will be when i finally learn from my mistakes.
sincerely,
trina
p.s. that you did this to me, of all the wonderful people you've been involved with, is the most major burn in the history of the world.
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