just got through uploading some pictures of jake to facebook. i think people "in the know" will think that all i do is sit around and cry and think about him, but actually i've been past that stage for a while now. i'm in this space where it's really hard to wrap my mind around the fact of the matter, sometimes, but also really easy to think back on the good times with a lot of love and feel happy about them without immediately collapsing into tears the next moment.
i haven't actually cried about it since earlier this summer, just before i left for big sur, when i was telling chris the short long version of our story. and hello, talk about weird! i felt like a traitor for a while, for thinking about someone else with a warmth that is so much more than friendly when jake died just a year ago. but now i think, if i love someone else does that mean i stop loving him? and the answer is of course, never. ever. even if i tried. so there's that.
these are pointless ruminations, of course. i just hate that i can't bring him up without getting a pitying sad face in return. as if a few pictures or mentions on the internet could begin to convey the depth of feeling behind that issue. i miss that kid every day, but also i am ok, and when i wasn't, you weren't there for me, you sad-face-pulling little finky bastard.
No comments:
Post a Comment