cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels

these are a few of my favorite things:

• beefsteak tomatoes with salt
• an empty kitchen sink
• being barefoot
• nutella on a spoon
• morning cuddles
• fat infants (of any species)
• crt
• fresh-baked banana bread
• being inexplicably happy even whilst worried/stressed.

i'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world

so, i moved. the great white whale, my personal moby dick, my cold mountain... it's here! i've slayed it, or reached the top, or whatever phrase goes with the preceding sentence. i have lived in the bay area (san jose, ca, to be exact) for about a week and a half now, and i must say that i am surprised. pleasantly surprised, i suppose. actually, the most surprising thing is how unsurprised i am, which is, in its own way, quite pleasant. no nasty surprises yet, at any rate, aside from how much chris actually farts (probably not a lot by most people's standards, but waaay more than he did when we were merely dating and not living together, for the record).

so what am i doing with my life up here, hundreds of miles from my childhood home?? partying like it's 1999, swashbuckling, drinking and shagging with abandon, living up my youth before the inevitable onset of decay and a dependence on tums develops? truthfully, i am already dependent on tums for my daily happiness (not that tums make me happy, but they take away red wine induced heartburn, which while i have to endure it physically prevents me from feeling most positive emotions), and the rest of it... not so much either. mostly what i've been doing is unpacking, cleaning, laundry, cooking, washing dishes, watching movies, and, now that i have internet again, farting around online like a reclusive shut in with glass bones and a penchant for fashion blogs. that being said! being a temporary housewife isn't so bad. it's allowed my boo and i to settle into a comfortable routine, and it has allowed me to exercise my would-be chef bone. that's like a funny bone, but with more butter. for instance, i made some cornbread yesterday which- not to toot my own horn- was quite delicious. we ate it with chili last night, then i had some again with breakfast, only heated up and buttered and be-syruped. yum. i thought living with chris would give me a chance to slim down, far away from my mother's cooking, and it still has the opportunity to do that once i start working and can't spend all day tinkering in the kitchen, but i think it will also provide an opportunity to fatten him up. which is great, not because i'm a chubby chaser, but because maybe with a pinch of fat on him, a flu won't come around and slaughter him mercilessly. what was i saying?

oh, right. being a housewife hasn't been so bad, but i am itching to be working again. mostly because of those aforementioned fashion blogs and all the materialistic lust they inspire and less because of practical concerns like having money to pay bills and buy food. ah feminine vanity. society really can't complain about women being stuff-obsessed whores because it's society that breeds us to be this way, you know. but anyway, another really good reason to stop being a housewife and start being a real person again is that i have the hands of an 112 old great grandmother!!! from washing so many dishes!!! wtf man. that alone might be enough reason to cut down on the cooking and eating.

what have we learned from this blog post? let's make a list.

• san jose is lovely and full of big giant trees and houses with front porches (implied)
• i live in leafy green san jose now!
• being a housewife can be fulfulling, to an extent
• i need a job, like, yesterday, because there are limits to the pleasures of housewifery
• crocodile hands are gross
• i love tums
• my bf farts around me now
• cornbread is the bomb

... and i think that about covers everything. it's lovely to be master of my own domain, and be able to kiss my boyfriend on a daily basis, i have a lot of optimism for the near future, AND i am going to update my blog more often. not on the daily, but i'll do my best, because if there's one thing i've learned from spending too much time on the internet is that just about anyone can get paid to write nonsense for myriad sites across the web, and a blog is oftentimes the best way to start. hurray!

super sad true love story

generally, i am a far happier person than i used to be. it's like i thought it was romantic to be so damn gloomy all the time.

but today, and for the past few days, moreso than ever before, the world makes me sad. and a little scared.

in part, it may be because i just finished 'sstls', gary shteyngart's latest novel about the depredations of modern life on the individual and on love. but mostly it's because i have eyes and can read, and ears and can hear, and a somewhat 0veractive mind that likes to ponder things that most people would rather ignore. i think that's called masochism. but anyway. i worry. i worry a lot about things that are happening and things that might happen and decisions i might make and how they will be affected by things that are happening or might happen. i worry about plastic in the ocean, and plastic in the microwave at home. i worry about chemicals in drinking water and the continued non-cancerous nature of the cells in my fairly-young-but-not-immune uterus. i worry about the slightly toxic air we breathe in l.a. and non-smokers who are dying of lung-cancer. i worry about cruelty-free eggs and the delicious nature of a rare steak versus the horribleness and suffering currently required for that steak to end up on my dinner plate. i worry about poor people living in places soon to be affected by the projected global warming droughts that are going to overtake the world. i worry about these goddamned republicans and their insistence on taking away women's rights as the world goes to shit around them. i worry about women who are republicans and insist on taking away the rights of other women to make decisions for themselves. i worry about people like these short-sighted women reproducing, bringing other short-sighted people into the world. i worry about the fact that my boyfriend doesn't get enough sleep at night or food during the day, and that he stresses himself out a lot, and that stress is a job requirement for him. i worry about my ability to find full time employment, then worry that that doesn't matter because pretty soon money won't mean anything because currently it means too much to some people. i worry that people don't read books, then i worry that reading books doesn't do any good. i worry about my own worrying because what if it's simply being brought on by the pills i take to control my reproduction, which is the scariest thing of all because if i'm not in control of my own personality, then what am i in control of? nothing. and so i worry.

and i think, i will never bring a child into this world, this beautiful world we are shitting all over. and my mother will never stop nagging me for grandchildren, taunting me about my age and continued childlessness despite the fact that i'm only 25. and i will never stop tearing up whenever i see a particularly cute baby, because how can anyone in the world have enough confidence in the future or in themselves to bring a baby into this beautiful fucked up world? and now i am getting overwrought. so i'll stop. and though i worry this is rather silly of me, i will say that it feels good to have written that all down and gotten it off my chest. i'm slightly less worried already!