Sunday, February 6, 2011

super sad true love story

generally, i am a far happier person than i used to be. it's like i thought it was romantic to be so damn gloomy all the time.

but today, and for the past few days, moreso than ever before, the world makes me sad. and a little scared.

in part, it may be because i just finished 'sstls', gary shteyngart's latest novel about the depredations of modern life on the individual and on love. but mostly it's because i have eyes and can read, and ears and can hear, and a somewhat 0veractive mind that likes to ponder things that most people would rather ignore. i think that's called masochism. but anyway. i worry. i worry a lot about things that are happening and things that might happen and decisions i might make and how they will be affected by things that are happening or might happen. i worry about plastic in the ocean, and plastic in the microwave at home. i worry about chemicals in drinking water and the continued non-cancerous nature of the cells in my fairly-young-but-not-immune uterus. i worry about the slightly toxic air we breathe in l.a. and non-smokers who are dying of lung-cancer. i worry about cruelty-free eggs and the delicious nature of a rare steak versus the horribleness and suffering currently required for that steak to end up on my dinner plate. i worry about poor people living in places soon to be affected by the projected global warming droughts that are going to overtake the world. i worry about these goddamned republicans and their insistence on taking away women's rights as the world goes to shit around them. i worry about women who are republicans and insist on taking away the rights of other women to make decisions for themselves. i worry about people like these short-sighted women reproducing, bringing other short-sighted people into the world. i worry about the fact that my boyfriend doesn't get enough sleep at night or food during the day, and that he stresses himself out a lot, and that stress is a job requirement for him. i worry about my ability to find full time employment, then worry that that doesn't matter because pretty soon money won't mean anything because currently it means too much to some people. i worry that people don't read books, then i worry that reading books doesn't do any good. i worry about my own worrying because what if it's simply being brought on by the pills i take to control my reproduction, which is the scariest thing of all because if i'm not in control of my own personality, then what am i in control of? nothing. and so i worry.

and i think, i will never bring a child into this world, this beautiful world we are shitting all over. and my mother will never stop nagging me for grandchildren, taunting me about my age and continued childlessness despite the fact that i'm only 25. and i will never stop tearing up whenever i see a particularly cute baby, because how can anyone in the world have enough confidence in the future or in themselves to bring a baby into this beautiful fucked up world? and now i am getting overwrought. so i'll stop. and though i worry this is rather silly of me, i will say that it feels good to have written that all down and gotten it off my chest. i'm slightly less worried already!